We can no longer turn a blind eye. The cost of trauma is tremendous and tragic on an individual, relational and societal level.
4 Ways to Know if Trauma is Impacting Your Life
What is trauma? And what are the costs of not addressing what happened to us? Read on for reflections from an Amherst trauma therapist.
Trauma surely has been a word popping up a lot in our culture these days. All over social media, podcasts, revelations by celebrities, trauma this and trauma that. It has been used so much that I wonder if we have lost touch with what a trauma really is.
So, what is trauma?
Trauma comes from the Greek word, “wound”. And it is generally defined as an emotional response to stressful, frightening or distressing experiences that can have a long lasting impact on a person’s life.
And I make a major, major distinction between what I call shock trauma and complex trauma. Shock trauma is usually a single incident experience like a car crash, medical complication, sexual assault or a death in the family.
Complex trauma is the experience of neglect and/or abuse that is chronic in nature and is interpersonal in nature (often with a parent or caregiver).
Basically, the neglect or abuse we endured as children. It is the hour by hour, day by day, week in week out stress of a raging/alcoholic father, the deep feeling of being alone with an absent mother, the relentless criticism. All of this has a monumental impact on our sense of self and our relationships in our adult years.
So, how so? Here are my top four ways complex trauma has a negative impact on our health and wellbeing as adults.
- 1. Shame. Yes, shame. I start with this one because it’s a biggie. Man, oh man, do I wish that adults living now with high stress, anxiety and depression could have known as children: “You know what, I am still a GOOD person in a really bad situation.” I often say that I would be out of business as a therapist if children somehow remembered their goodness in the face of abuse and neglect. But the sad reality is that children feel that it is their fault and feel the need to take on the failure of their environment as their own.
- The real long lasting tragedy of abuse and neglect is not so much what happened to us (as much as it was horrible and unjust!), but how we treat ourselves as we age. Lurking below is this sense that we are bad and undeserving. It can range from mild self-criticism to outright self-hatred. Punishing and rejecting ourselves today as adults is a vestige of the self-shame we formed as children.
- Shame shapes our lives as we respond to present moments through the lens of the past. And often in ways that result from shame based beliefs: “I don’t deserve love.” “If you got to know me, you would leave.” “I am not enough.” “I need to be perfect to be accepted.” “Vulnerability is a weakness and will lead to betrayal.” All beliefs that limit and narrow our lives. It dims our light and doesn’t allow for the full and true expression of who we really are.
So yes, the shame that developed in us as children has an enormous impact on our wellbeing, happiness and fulfillment as adults.
- We stay in relationships even though we know they are toxic.
- We have difficulty asking for what we need and as a result feel unfulfilled.
- We put an unneeded amount of pressure on ourselves.
- We avoid conflict or are overly pleasing.
- Vulnerability and intimacy feel threatening.
And now we feel lonely, scared, anxious, overwhelmed, burdened and depressed. All examples of the long arm of unresolved childhood trauma.
Working with an online trauma therapist can be a great way to disidentify with shame based beliefs and live your authentic life.
2. The impact on our physical health. The ACES study in 1979 is perhaps one of the most impactful in the last 46 years. It drew a direct line between complex trauma and a myriad of physical health issues. And this list is long: Shortened life expectancy, heart disease, diabetes, compromised immune system and cancer among many others.
The stress we experienced as children and then into our adulthood leads to INFLAMATION which has a very large negative impact on our physical health.
Is it possible that high blood pressure can be tied to the amount of pressure we have been putting on ourselves for as long as we can remember? I bet there is.
There is scientific research linking loneliness and heart disease. Dying from a lonely heart is not just cliche. Having difficulty creating and sustaining fulfilling relationships just didn’t fall from the sky. It is very likely forged during early childhood: “Don’t trust others,” “Connection is threatening.”
We are absolutely hardwired to connect with one another as human beings. When we don't, the world can feel unsafe leading to anxiety and stress and harmful physical manifestations. So again, does neglect and abuse from childhood affect our wellbeing as adults? Another resounding, YES!
Working with a trauma therapist can have great benefit for your physical health. No doubt!
3. Addiction. I am convinced that addiction in its many forms (alcohol, sex, work, etc.) is likely rooted in the shame and hurt born from adverse childhood experiences. As the addiction researcher, Gabor Mate, once said, “A hurt is at the center of all addictive behaviors. It is present in the gambler, the Internet addict, the compulsive shopper and the workaholic.”
We had to disconnect from ourselves early in life in an attempt to tolerate the heartbreak, overwhelm, and big feelings. And we have been running from ourselves ever since. Addiction in a way is an attempt to fill a void we feel inside.
A trauma specialist can help you reconnect to yourself alleviating the incessant need for external stimulation. It becomes ok to experience your body and your feelings. You come home to yourself!
- 4. The toll on our intimate relationships. The more I work as a couples therapist, the more I am convinced that we are trying to finish childhood with our intimate partner. “I married my mother” or “I married my father” is really true. We have this way of unconsciously matching with partners who represent a parental figure. In another blog post, I lay out the various relational styles we assume with our partners.
You may feel that one or two or all of these ways are playing out in your life. I hope that this blog helped you connect some dots between what is happening for you now and what happened in childhood. The good news is that your life and relationships can change. There are ways to move through the shame, addiction and relational stress. A trauma therapist can help you safely reconnect with yourself and others! Start the journey today!