Does childhood trauma affect your adult intimate relationships?

Reflections from an expert trauma therapist and couples therapist in Amherst MA and Austin TX.

The answer is a big YES. So much of how we show up in our adult relationships are formed by what we went through as children. Especially when it comes to our adult intimate relationships. The rubber really does hit the road when we interact with our spouse or partner!

In this blog, I offer five ways we bring our adverse childhood experiences into adult relationships (especially under stress!). It's like we have relationship styles shaped by the past. And I call these different styles: The Disconnected, The Caretaker, The Mistrusting, The Pleaser, and the Perfectionist.

I shut down when my partner gets angry or sad. The Disconnected.

Ask me what I feel and I can’t tell you.
I often feel numb.
Relationships are really hard for me.
I feel a lot of anxiety and I can be really hard on myself.
If I connect with my feelings and body, I will die or fall part.

I can’t tell how many times I have heard from clients: “At some point when I was young I cut off from the neck down. It was just easier to stay in my head when my parents argued. My feelings felt like they were just too big and overwhelming.”

Does this sound familiar? Do you find yourself feeling shut down and withdrawn when your partner is frustrated, upset or sad? I bet just being there and feeling what is going on is just too hard.

You'd rather go to fixing mode in order not to feel. But the problem is that your partner then feels invalidated!

Trauma and relational therapy can help you access and tolerate your feelings and enhance emotional connection!

I need to meet my partner’s needs to get love: The Caretaker.

I fear rejection.
You ask me what I need and I say, “whatever he needs.”
I take a lot of pride in how little I can get by on.
Feeling pleasure is hard for me. I feel unfulfilled.
And I live on the edge of burnout.
I can’t help but feel responsible for my partner.
I need him to need me.
Often with this style, there was a history of caretaking of a parent (depressed or alcoholic). And there was an emotional lesson for that child: “The only way to get love is to take care of others. I won’t get my needs met from my parents.”
Does this style fit you? Does it feel like you’re there for your partner and feel that little is coming back your way? The stakes are really high with the Caretaker and there is a big dilemma in their adult relationships: “If I express my needs, I will be rejected or abandoned. And then I feel that gut wrenching disappointment.” So, to avoid feeling all that I will be a caretaker.
Many times, Caretakers feel “selfish” and “a burden” if they ask for help or have someone take care of them (imagine that). It really is a one way street!
Trauma and relational therapy can help you get your needs met in your relationship and feel fulfilled and energized!

I need to be in control to feel safe: The Mistrusting.

I hate to fail.
I need to be right. And I will attack.
Don’t let them see you sweat.
I was denied a childhood and had to live out my parent’s dreams.
Anger is really easy for me.

The Mistrusting rarely apologies. Boy oh boy, does he need to be right. If you peer into the childhood of this style you would most likely see the following: “I had to live out my parents' dreams. I was denied a childhood. Vulnerability is a weakness and a really good way to be humiliated and betrayed.”

Does this one fit? Or does this explain your partner? Can you see how this would play out? Asking for help feels really threatening. Having someone be there for me: No way Jose.

Trauma and relational therapy can help you or your partner open up to vulnerability and deeper connection.

I avoid conflict whenever I can: The Pleaser.

I’m a people pleaser.
I say yes when I really mean no.
I have trouble holding boundaries.
I am ambivalent about making decisions.
I can be passive aggressive.
I’m overly apologetic.

Sound familiar?

In this style, it’s likely that there was a history of over controlling parents. Autonomy and having your own will was frowned upon. The child learned that being his own person was not safe. But there was a resistance that went underground: You can take my body, but you can't take my soul!

Now, with my partner, I fib when I say I’ll be home. I’ll tell her one thing but then do something different. But it feels like I’m creating more conflict when I do so.

Trauma and relational therapy can help you be clear and direct. And hold boundaries and set limits which would enhance connections!

I thrive on being admired: The Perfectionist.

I am driven and ambitious
Emotions are a sign of weakness.
Better to look good than feel good.
I need to perform to be loved.
Reject before being rejected.
An open heart is a good way to get hurt.

There is a little girl who felt that she needed to perfect herself to be loved. When she excelled or looked beautiful then she got her parents attention and validation. She learned to be performative and attempt to be flawless.

How about this style? Ring a bell for you or your partner? Often there is an insecurity below the facade of accomplishment and perfection: Can I be loved for who I am? Can I be loved in my mess?

Trauma and relational therapy can help you open up to being loved without performance or looks (love for love's sake).